At Berner Law & Mediation Group, our work is not limited to helping people navigate the end of a marriage; we also help couples build a strong foundation for their future together.  This summer, we handled a record number of prenuptial agreements.

What was particularly notable was that several couples came to us after becoming frustrated with prior counsel. They did not feel that an adversarial, litigation-oriented approach was helping them negotiate an agreement. Instead, they felt it introduced unnecessary tension into a relationship that was meant to begin with hope, trust, and commitment.

They were looking for something different: lawyers and mediators who could protect their interests without losing sight of the fact that they were not divorcing. They were a couple in love, thoughtfully planning to spend their lives together.

Prenuptial agreements have changed considerably over the years. Once regarded as appropriate only for the ultra-wealthy, second marriages, or couples anticipating problems, prenups are increasingly seen as a sensible planning tool for many couples. They can be particularly important where there are premarital assets, a business, anticipated inheritances, children from a prior relationship, unequal incomes, or different expectations about financial responsibilities during the marriage.

But the way a prenup is negotiated matters.

A prenup is an important legal agreement. Each person needs to understand the financial disclosure, the legal rights that may apply without an agreement, and the consequences of the choices being made. Each person should have sufficient time and opportunity to obtain appropriate legal advice. Yet a legally sound agreement need not be achieved through a process that makes either person feel defensive, frightened, or unheard.

That is where a collaborative approach can make a meaningful difference.

The first balance is between advocacy and preserving the relationship. Every client deserves a professional who will identify and protect that person’s interests. But advocacy does not require creating conflict. In the context of a prenup, a purely positional approach can turn a conversation about planning into a battle over what one person can get from the other.

Our approach is to help each person identify what is truly important and then help the couple address those concerns respectfully. For example, one future spouse may want to protect a family business, an inheritance, or assets accumulated before the marriage. The other may reasonably be concerned about financial security after career sacrifices, raising children, contributing to a shared home, or supporting the other person’s success. When those concerns are understood and supported rather than argued about or denied, it gives the couple the opportunity to develop thoughtful and creative solutions.

The second balance is between the law and the couple’s own values and priorities. Knowing the law is essential. It gives clients the information they need to make informed decisions and helps ensure that an agreement is properly prepared. But the law does not provide a complete answer to what is fair or appropriate for a particular couple.

A meaningful agreement should reflect the couple’s own priorities and vision for their future. It should address not only assets and income, but also the values behind those issues: independence, partnership, family obligations, security, generosity, and fairness. Our role is not to impose a one-size-fits-all result, but to help couples understand their options and make decisions that work for them.

A third consideration is process. The traditional method in which each person retains separate counsel and negotiates through their attorneys may be the right choice in many cases. In other cases, particularly where a couple wants to address issues openly and constructively, prenup mediation can be an excellent alternative.

In prenuptial mediation, the couple works with an attorney from the firm, who serves as a neutral mediator guiding the conversation in a safe space. Rather than having attorneys negotiate against one another, the couple has the opportunity to talk openly and directly about finances, expectations, and future contingencies. Together, they can identify their questions and concerns, explore options, and develop an agreement that reflects their individual needs and shared goals. Before signing, each person has the opportunity to review the agreement with independent legal counsel, ensuring both understand its terms and enter into the agreement with confidence.

For many couples who have worked out their prenuptial agreement using mediation or a collaborative process, the experience can offer more than a completed agreement; it can strengthen communication and build understanding. The process allows couples to hear and understand one another’s concerns, address difficult conversations in a constructive setting, and reduce some of the anxiety that often surrounds these conversations. Couples can use the process as an opportunity for honesty, clarity, and to help build trust at the outset of a marriage. With the right guidance, they can protect what matters to each of them while also strengthening the foundation of the relationship they are building.